So I’m having one of those days…ok weeks where I want to just go in my room, play sad music, and stay under the covers. Sadly, I cannot since I am not a teenager anymore and the whole responsible parent gig. Instead, I did the next best thing. I started looking through my favorite cookbook, duh. It’s a Good Housekeeping cookbook from 1963. I hold many of the recipes in this book near and dear to my heart. I thank my older sister for introducing me to it (and scoring me my own copy) over 15 years ago. There was this time she made the pecan pie- even making the effort to cut little hearts in the crust before baking. She dropped it when she pulled it out of the oven, and it splattered all over the kitchen floor. I did what any normal person would have done, grabbed a fork and ate straight off the linoleum because it was THAT good.
I never thought browsing a cookbook could be so entertaining. It was like they knew that in 50 years some chick would be taking pictures of its excerpts with her pocket computer and giggling at the ridiculousness because that’s what I spent an hour doing today. Here’s what I learned.
Lessons from Good Housekeeping #1: Know the occasion
Ugh, don’t you know that what you cook your new beau is most certainly NOT what you would cook following an afternoon of boat racing?? You silly, silly bitch.
Lessons from Good Housekeeping #2: Know gender.
If it’s a woman you aim to please by way of culinary delight, she’ll be tickled to eat the cheapest melon at the grocery store. Just spritz with some lime to give it a lil’ class. But honey, if you think you will please a man with that crap, you might as well get to steppin’ because he will have NONE of that.
Lessons from Good Housekeeping #3: Know your teens
Teenage girls: Keep your head forward and your eyes on the prize: marriage and motherhood. Maybe with a little hard work and dedication, you might actually accomplish something in life. Teenage boys: Relax. You’ll never have to prepare food for yourself. Ever.
Lessons from Good Housekeeping #4: Know your place
Soooo… by older couples whose “children are away” you mean muzzled and in their respective cages for the night, of course. Consider yourself lucky should you happen to fall into any of these delightful twosome categories. Chances are likely you will enjoy a nice thoughtful meal. If you don’t, well, then you probably don’t deserve to live.
1963: Oh, you!